The beginning is always the worst and the best of most things. I like to look over my life in retrospect and look at some of my beginnings with a fondness for how pure the energy felt.
I.E. the beginning of a relationship. Regarding that energy I've always felt the urge to move forward but at first I had a problem with change. I still have one but its somehow a different problem. I didn't like change when I was growing up but now it seems like all I do is change whether I leave essential parts of my being behind or not. I tend to drag myself through things even if its not the most desirable situation or whats best for me. Like deciding to grow out the epic 12 in mo-hawk that I had been maintaining for four years just because the other people that I came in contact with on an everyday basis thought I would look better with out it [in-laws]. That's utterly raw and uncut bullshit. I've learned to be and look the way that I feel happy for several years and no one should want or be able to change that in me. I needed some sort of change but I should've decided what that was deep down inside of my thoughts and done what was best for me. Is it a big deal? Yes, in a small, loyal part of my psyche it is. The only reason that I even strive to portray a physical look is to reflect what I feel, and since no one can feel my feelings for me, unless you're paying me then it's not your place to pressure me about my appearance. I've trapped myself for the past two years by accepting things that I would not normally accept in the name of love and my relationship. Now that's a worthy cause but it got harder as time progressed because of all the little things. Little things are not little we just call them that because they normally aren't that important in the scheme of things. I honestly think that if you live day in and day out with a person that you claim to love then you should be considerate and loving to that person on the daily and if you can't do that then you don't need to be with them. It goes with out saying that every couple has their spats but if you know that this person just worked 8 hours, is out of cigarettes, and is really hungry/tired/grouchy then maybe you should be a little more considerate towards them for cleaning the house and put your stupid food-wrappers in the trash and not on her clean counter. It will take you far in life lol. It's the fact that the other person spent time that she or he could've been relaxing because they are tired and cleaned because they like to relax in a clean environment and so does everyone else. It feels nasty when you go to sleep in a filthy house. or if you're sitting on your couch trying to enjoy a book and everything feels dirty. Some things make a difference in your quality of life like paying the light bill on time. 'Things' they can be important. Like the Christmas that you spent trying to go between all three houses that both of your families lived in lol. Like the 9$ Christmas tree that you spent all night decorating and trying to make look less pathetic :). Theres things that mak you smile like the bond that you develop and everything that you loved about this person in the first place but the real question is are they right for you? not just now but forever? How do you tell ? So this is the beginning of my freedom so its worst and best are very fresh and prominent. Like all the 'he never woulda done that....s' and the 'I remember when we....s'. It's intriguing to actually look into what is going on and what happened but that is what makes it right or wrong.
